Rising crime and why I want to be a victim.
*By Marshren
As food prices soar up high, crime rates are soaring up too. This is bad news. Well, mostly bad. One good bit is that a revolutionary new type of villain is robbing people all over Asia. Readers of newspaper crime pages are learning about the victims, and sympathetically exclaiming, “Wow, some people have all the luck!”
You see, being robbed by this new type of thief can be remarkably profitable.
Have you heard of the “dumb criminal” stories going around? Like the one about the guy in New York who stole a shipment of meat and discovered he’d nicked 1,000 cow rectums?
Hah! Here in Asia, we have villains that make those guys look like rocket scientists. There’s a new breed of Asian thief which is dumber than any creature in history. These guys have the IQ of rocks, and I mean exclusively educated rocks. Not only do these criminals fail to deprive people of goods, but they manage to transfer their own possessions to their victims with much care.
First, consider a man named Hirose in Japan. He successfully stole a wallet containing 1,000 yen from a man sitting on a bench in Fukuoka province. But he accidentally left his own wallet with the victim --- a genuine 80,000 yen designer wallet containing 40,000 yen in cash. “I was so intent on getting away that I didn’t realize I’d dropped my wallet,” Hirose later told the police. A few more successful robberies like that, and he’d be bankrupt.
Then there was the Malaysian housebreaker who drove his car to his victim’s house, broke in, and started to open the safe. But his victims arrived home unexpectedly and he leapt out of the window to run away.
It was only after he had made good his escape that he realized that he had left his most valuable possessions behind—a box of tools, plus his keys and his car.
Envisioning his life disappearing before his eyes, he went back to the victims’ house and rang the front door bell. The conversation that took place was not recorded in the news write-up but I can imagine it.
“Hi! I’m the guy who just broke into your house and tried to steal all your stuff. Didn’t quite work out as planned, did it? Ha ha, life is funny, right? May I have my things back?”
The householders sent him off to jail and went to admire their new car.
A gang of house thieves in India also left some tools behind. Stung by newspaper reports that they had been forgetful, the proud villains decided to pretend that this was their signature, and they now leave tools behind at every robbery, raising their costs and stupidity considerably.
But most remarkable is the story of a Taiwanese man named Lu Fang-nan, 57, who was innocently riding his motorcycle when a large bundle of money—the equivalent of US$600,000—fell out of the sky onto his head.
He lost control of his bike and crashed, but was not badly hurt.
It turned out that kidnappers had asked for their ransom money to be thrown off a bridge over a highway, thinking this would ensure that they and their victims would be on different roads. They’d forgotten that other people use highways too.
Anyway, I’m hoping that one of this new breed of Asian dumb criminal robs me on the way to school or something. I could do with some cash or a new car.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
We South Asians (indians) do have a sense of humour!
A westerner once asked how do we make indians laugh. And this was no trick question. He meant every syllable of it. But hey we indians sometimes poke fun at aspects of our own culture—such as the long names we carry. I am an exception of course thank goodness for that. Example:
*
James Bond is on a mission. He ends up on a flight next to a guy from Andhra Pradesh who speaks Telugu.
Telugu Guy: "Hello. May I know your good name, please?"
James Bond: "The name’s Bond. James Bond. You are…?"
Telugu Guy: "The name’s Sai. Venkata Sai. Siva Venkata Sai. Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Rajasekhara Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Sitaraman Rajasekhara Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…”
*
This joke continues like this for a long time, but you get the picture. And now you know why there’s no Indian James Bond. The movie would be over before he’d finished introducing himself.
*
Non-Resident Indians, better known as NRIs, often swap laughs on cultural treasures of their motherland, such as Bollywood movies. Example:
*
If Titanic had been made by Bollywood:
*
(a) There would be ten times as many people on the ship.
*
(b) Kate Winslet would wear a white dress and sing in the rain.
*
(c) The movie would be seven and half hours long.
*
(d) Leo di Caprio would chase Kate Winslet around the ship, singing and dancing around pillars.
*
(e) The hero and the villain would turn out to be brothers, separated at birth.
*
(f) Leo would have a sister, brother, mother, father and uncle on board.
*
(g) Leo would survive and rescue his villainous brother, and the film would end with a musical
family reunion.
*
Actually, judging by the level of drama in it, I think Titanic probably was an Indian movie.
*
Meanwhile, the humour of young indian people nearly always focuses on the generation gap. Example:
*
You Know You Are South Asian If:
*
(a) Your dad is an engineer or doctor.
*
(b) Everyone assumes you’re good at math.
*
(c) You have a 25-kilo sack of rice in your pantry.
*
(d) Your father has the same amount of hair on his ears and chest as his head.
*
(e) You have rocks, sticks, leaves and mysterious strange-smelling substances in your medicine cabinet. (herbal medicine)
*
(f) You refer to all adults as Auntie and Uncle.
Indians often feel unfairly stereotyped, so some react against it with sardonic humour-heaps and heaps of sarcasm. Example:
*
Westerner: Why do your women wear red dots on their foreheads?
*
South Asian: So their husbands can use them for target practice.
*
Westerner: Are you all vegetarian?
*
South Asian: Yes. Even our tigers are vegetarian.
*
Westerner: Do you speak Hindu?
*
South Asian: Yes. And I belong to a religion called Hindi.
*
Westerner: Why do you people walk on burning coals?
*
South Asian: It makes our feet strong so we don’t have to buy designer shoes.
*
Westerner: Why do you go around on elephants?
*
South Asian: Elephants are what we use for taxis. There’s a meter behind the left ear.
*
OK, so I don’t expect to see a stand-up comedian from India replacing Russell Peters tomorrow. But it is important to realize that people who live in Asia, and particularly South Asia, have our own sense of humour.
*
And boy, do we need it. =D
*
James Bond is on a mission. He ends up on a flight next to a guy from Andhra Pradesh who speaks Telugu.
Telugu Guy: "Hello. May I know your good name, please?"
James Bond: "The name’s Bond. James Bond. You are…?"
Telugu Guy: "The name’s Sai. Venkata Sai. Siva Venkata Sai. Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Rajasekhara Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Sitaraman Rajasekhara Srinivasa Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…”
*
This joke continues like this for a long time, but you get the picture. And now you know why there’s no Indian James Bond. The movie would be over before he’d finished introducing himself.
*
Non-Resident Indians, better known as NRIs, often swap laughs on cultural treasures of their motherland, such as Bollywood movies. Example:
*
If Titanic had been made by Bollywood:
*
(a) There would be ten times as many people on the ship.
*
(b) Kate Winslet would wear a white dress and sing in the rain.
*
(c) The movie would be seven and half hours long.
*
(d) Leo di Caprio would chase Kate Winslet around the ship, singing and dancing around pillars.
*
(e) The hero and the villain would turn out to be brothers, separated at birth.
*
(f) Leo would have a sister, brother, mother, father and uncle on board.
*
(g) Leo would survive and rescue his villainous brother, and the film would end with a musical
family reunion.
*
Actually, judging by the level of drama in it, I think Titanic probably was an Indian movie.
*
Meanwhile, the humour of young indian people nearly always focuses on the generation gap. Example:
*
You Know You Are South Asian If:
*
(a) Your dad is an engineer or doctor.
*
(b) Everyone assumes you’re good at math.
*
(c) You have a 25-kilo sack of rice in your pantry.
*
(d) Your father has the same amount of hair on his ears and chest as his head.
*
(e) You have rocks, sticks, leaves and mysterious strange-smelling substances in your medicine cabinet. (herbal medicine)
*
(f) You refer to all adults as Auntie and Uncle.
Indians often feel unfairly stereotyped, so some react against it with sardonic humour-heaps and heaps of sarcasm. Example:
*
Westerner: Why do your women wear red dots on their foreheads?
*
South Asian: So their husbands can use them for target practice.
*
Westerner: Are you all vegetarian?
*
South Asian: Yes. Even our tigers are vegetarian.
*
Westerner: Do you speak Hindu?
*
South Asian: Yes. And I belong to a religion called Hindi.
*
Westerner: Why do you people walk on burning coals?
*
South Asian: It makes our feet strong so we don’t have to buy designer shoes.
*
Westerner: Why do you go around on elephants?
*
South Asian: Elephants are what we use for taxis. There’s a meter behind the left ear.
*
OK, so I don’t expect to see a stand-up comedian from India replacing Russell Peters tomorrow. But it is important to realize that people who live in Asia, and particularly South Asia, have our own sense of humour.
*
And boy, do we need it. =D
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